Scene 5
=======
[Enter Sir Toby, Sir Andrew, and Fabian.]


TOBY  Come thy ways, Signior Fabian.

FABIAN  Nay, I'll come. If I lose a scruple of this sport,
let me be boiled to death with melancholy.

TOBY  Wouldst thou not be glad to have the niggardly
rascally sheep-biter come by some notable shame?

FABIAN  I would exult, man. You know he brought me
out o' favor with my lady about a bearbaiting here.

TOBY  To anger him, we'll have the bear again, and we
will fool him black and blue, shall we not, Sir
Andrew?

ANDREW  An we do not, it is pity of our lives.

[Enter Maria.]


TOBY  Here comes the little villain.--How now, my
metal of India?

MARIA  Get you all three into the boxtree. Malvolio's
coming down this walk. He has been yonder i' the
sun practicing behavior to his own shadow this half
hour. Observe him, for the love of mockery, for I
know this letter will make a contemplative idiot of
him. Close, in the name of jesting! [They hide.] Lie
thou there [putting down the letter,] for here comes
the trout that must be caught with tickling.
[She exits.]

[Enter Malvolio.]


MALVOLIO  'Tis but fortune, all is fortune. Maria once
told me she did affect me, and I have heard herself
come thus near, that should she fancy, it should be
one of my complexion. Besides, she uses me with a
more exalted respect than anyone else that follows
her. What should I think on 't?

TOBY, [aside]  Here's an overweening rogue.

FABIAN, [aside]  O, peace! Contemplation makes a rare
turkeycock of him. How he jets under his advanced
plumes!

ANDREW, [aside]  'Slight, I could so beat the rogue!

TOBY, [aside]  Peace, I say.

MALVOLIO  To be Count Malvolio.

TOBY, [aside]  Ah, rogue!

ANDREW, [aside]  Pistol him, pistol him!

TOBY, [aside]  Peace, peace!

MALVOLIO  There is example for 't. The lady of the
Strachy married the yeoman of the wardrobe.

ANDREW, [aside]  Fie on him, Jezebel!

FABIAN, [aside]  O, peace, now he's deeply in. Look how
imagination blows him.

MALVOLIO  Having been three months married to her,
sitting in my state--

TOBY, [aside]  O, for a stone-bow, to hit him in the eye!

MALVOLIO  Calling my officers about me, in my
branched velvet gown, having come from a daybed
where I have left Olivia sleeping--

TOBY, [aside]  Fire and brimstone!

FABIAN, [aside]  O, peace, peace!

MALVOLIO  And then to have the humor of state; and
after a demure travel of regard, telling them I
know my place, as I would they should do theirs, to
ask for my kinsman Toby--

TOBY, [aside]  Bolts and shackles!

FABIAN, [aside]  O, peace, peace, peace! Now, now.

MALVOLIO  Seven of my people, with an obedient start,
make out for him. I frown the while, and perchance
wind up my watch, or play with my--some
rich jewel. Toby approaches; curtsies there to me--

TOBY, [aside]  Shall this fellow live?

FABIAN, [aside]  Though our silence be drawn from us
with cars, yet peace!

MALVOLIO  I extend my hand to him thus, quenching
my familiar smile with an austere regard of
control--

TOBY, [aside]  And does not Toby take you a blow o' the
lips then?

MALVOLIO  Saying, "Cousin Toby, my fortunes, having
cast me on your niece, give me this prerogative of
speech--"

TOBY, [aside]  What, what?

MALVOLIO  "You must amend your drunkenness."

TOBY, [aside]  Out, scab!

FABIAN, [aside]  Nay, patience, or we break the sinews
of our plot!

MALVOLIO  "Besides, you waste the treasure of your
time with a foolish knight--"

ANDREW, [aside]  That's me, I warrant you.

MALVOLIO  "One Sir Andrew."

ANDREW, [aside]  I knew 'twas I, for many do call me
fool.

MALVOLIO, [seeing the letter]  What employment have
we here?

FABIAN, [aside]  Now is the woodcock near the gin.

TOBY, [aside]  O, peace, and the spirit of humors intimate
reading aloud to him.

MALVOLIO, [taking up the letter]  By my life, this is my
lady's hand! These be her very c's, her u's, and her
t's, and thus she makes her great P's. It is in
contempt of question her hand.

ANDREW, [aside]  Her c's, her u's, and her t's. Why that?

MALVOLIO [reads]  To the unknown beloved, this, and my
good wishes--Her very phrases! By your leave, wax.
Soft. And the impressure her Lucrece, with which
she uses to seal--'tis my lady! [He opens the letter.]
To whom should this be?

FABIAN, [aside]  This wins him, liver and all.

MALVOLIO [reads]
	Jove knows I love,
	   But who?
	Lips, do not move;
	   No man must know.
"No man must know." What follows? The numbers
altered. "No man must know." If this should be
thee, Malvolio!

TOBY, [aside]  Marry, hang thee, brock!

MALVOLIO [reads]
	I may command where I adore,
	   But silence, like a Lucrece knife,
	With bloodless stroke my heart doth gore;
	   M.O.A.I. doth sway my life.

FABIAN, [aside]  A fustian riddle!

TOBY, [aside]  Excellent wench, say I.

MALVOLIO  "M.O.A.I. doth sway my life." Nay, but first
let me see, let me see, let me see.

FABIAN, [aside]  What dish o' poison has she dressed
him!

TOBY, [aside]  And with what wing the staniel checks
at it!

MALVOLIO  "I may command where I adore." Why, she
may command me; I serve her; she is my lady. Why,
this is evident to any formal capacity. There is no
obstruction in this. And the end--what should that
alphabetical position portend? If I could make that
resemble something in me! Softly! "M.O.A.I."--

TOBY, [aside]  O, ay, make up that.--He is now at a cold
scent.

FABIAN, [aside]  Sowter will cry upon 't for all this,
though it be as rank as a fox.

MALVOLIO  "M"--Malvolio. "M"--why, that begins
my name!

FABIAN, [aside]  Did not I say he would work it out? The
cur is excellent at faults.

MALVOLIO  "M." But then there is no consonancy in
the sequel that suffers under probation. "A" should
follow, but "O" does.

FABIAN, [aside]  And "O" shall end, I hope.

TOBY, [aside]  Ay, or I'll cudgel him and make him cry
"O."

MALVOLIO  And then "I" comes behind.

FABIAN, [aside]  Ay, an you had any eye behind you, you
might see more detraction at your heels than fortunes
before you.

MALVOLIO  "M.O.A.I." This simulation is not as the
former, and yet to crush this a little, it would bow
to me, for every one of these letters are in my name.
Soft, here follows prose.
[He reads.] If this fall into thy hand, revolve. In my
stars I am above thee, but be not afraid of greatness.
Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and
some have greatness thrust upon 'em. Thy fates open
their hands. Let thy blood and spirit embrace them.
And, to inure thyself to what thou art like to be, cast
thy humble slough and appear fresh. Be opposite with
a kinsman, surly with servants. Let thy tongue tang
arguments of state. Put thyself into the trick of singularity.
She thus advises thee that sighs for thee.
Remember who commended thy yellow stockings and
wished to see thee ever cross-gartered. I say, remember.
Go to, thou art made, if thou desir'st to be so. If
not, let me see thee a steward still, the fellow of
servants, and not worthy to touch Fortune's fingers.
Farewell. She that would alter services with thee,
The Fortunate-Unhappy.
Daylight and champian discovers not more! This is
open. I will be proud, I will read politic authors, I
will baffle Sir Toby, I will wash off gross acquaintance,
I will be point-devise the very man. I do not
now fool myself, to let imagination jade me; for
every reason excites to this, that my lady loves me.
She did commend my yellow stockings of late, she
did praise my leg being cross-gartered, and in this
she manifests herself to my love and, with a kind of
injunction, drives me to these habits of her liking. I
thank my stars, I am happy. I will be strange, stout,
in yellow stockings, and cross-gartered, even with
the swiftness of putting on. Jove and my stars be
praised! Here is yet a postscript.
[He reads.] Thou canst not choose but know who I
am. If thou entertain'st my love, let it appear in thy
smiling; thy smiles become thee well. Therefore in my
presence still smile, dear my sweet, I prithee.
Jove, I thank thee! I will smile. I will do everything
that thou wilt have me.	[He exits.]

FABIAN  I will not give my part of this sport for a
pension of thousands to be paid from the Sophy.

TOBY  I could marry this wench for this device.

ANDREW  So could I too.

TOBY  And ask no other dowry with her but such
another jest.

ANDREW  Nor I neither.

[Enter Maria.]


FABIAN  Here comes my noble gull-catcher.

TOBY  Wilt thou set thy foot o' my neck?

ANDREW  Or o' mine either?

TOBY  Shall I play my freedom at tray-trip and become
thy bondslave?

ANDREW  I' faith, or I either?

TOBY  Why, thou hast put him in such a dream that
when the image of it leaves him he must run mad.

MARIA  Nay, but say true, does it work upon him?

TOBY  Like aqua vitae with a midwife.

MARIA  If you will then see the fruits of the sport,
mark his first approach before my lady. He will
come to her in yellow stockings, and 'tis a color
she abhors, and cross-gartered, a fashion she detests;
and he will smile upon her, which will now
be so unsuitable to her disposition, being addicted
to a melancholy as she is, that it cannot
but turn him into a notable contempt. If you will
see it, follow me.

TOBY  To the gates of Tartar, thou most excellent devil
of wit!

ANDREW  I'll make one, too.
[They exit.]