Scene 3
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[Enter Benedick alone.]


BENEDICK  Boy!

[Enter Boy.]


BOY  Signior?

BENEDICK  In my chamber window lies a book. Bring it
hither to me in the orchard.

BOY  I am here already, sir.

BENEDICK  I know that, but I would have thee hence
and here again.	[Boy exits.]
I do much wonder that one man, seeing how much
another man is a fool when he dedicates his behaviors
to love, will, after he hath laughed at such
shallow follies in others, become the argument of
his own scorn by falling in love--and such a man is
Claudio. I have known when there was no music
with him but the drum and the fife, and now had he
rather hear the tabor and the pipe; I have known
when he would have walked ten mile afoot to see a
good armor, and now will he lie ten nights awake
carving the fashion of a new doublet. He was wont
to speak plain and to the purpose, like an honest
man and a soldier, and now is he turned orthography;
his words are a very fantastical banquet, just so
many strange dishes. May I be so converted and see
with these eyes? I cannot tell; I think not. I will not
be sworn but love may transform me to an oyster,
but I'll take my oath on it, till he have made an
oyster of me, he shall never make me such a fool.
One woman is fair, yet I am well; another is wise, yet
I am well; another virtuous, yet I am well; but till all
graces be in one woman, one woman shall not
come in my grace. Rich she shall be, that's certain;
wise, or I'll none; virtuous, or I'll never cheapen
her; fair, or I'll never look on her; mild, or come not
near me; noble, or not I for an angel; of good
discourse, an excellent musician, and her hair shall
be of what color it please God. Ha! The Prince and
Monsieur Love! I will hide me in the arbor.
[He hides.]

[Enter Prince, Leonato, Claudio, and Balthasar
with music.]


PRINCE  Come, shall we hear this music?

CLAUDIO
Yea, my good lord. How still the evening is,
As hushed on purpose to grace harmony!

PRINCE, [aside to Claudio]
See you where Benedick hath hid himself?

CLAUDIO, [aside to Prince]
O, very well my lord. The music ended,
We'll fit the kid-fox with a pennyworth.

PRINCE
Come, Balthasar, we'll hear that song again.

BALTHASAR
O, good my lord, tax not so bad a voice
To slander music any more than once.

PRINCE
It is the witness still of excellency
To put a strange face on his own perfection.
I pray thee, sing, and let me woo no more.

BALTHASAR
Because you talk of wooing, I will sing,
Since many a wooer doth commence his suit
To her he thinks not worthy, yet he woos,
Yet will he swear he loves.

PRINCE  Nay, pray thee, come,
Or if thou wilt hold longer argument,
Do it in notes.

BALTHASAR  Note this before my notes:
There's not a note of mine that's worth the noting.

PRINCE
Why, these are very crotchets that he speaks!
Note notes, forsooth, and nothing.	[Music plays.]

BENEDICK, [aside]  Now, divine air! Now is his soul
ravished. Is it not strange that sheeps' guts should
hale souls out of men's bodies? Well, a horn for my
money, when all's done.

BALTHASAR [sings]
	Sigh no more, ladies, sigh no more,
	   Men were deceivers ever,
	One foot in sea and one on shore,
	   To one thing constant never.
	Then sigh not so, but let them go,
	   And be you blithe and bonny,
	Converting all your sounds of woe
	   Into Hey, nonny nonny.

	Sing no more ditties, sing no mo,
	   Of dumps so dull and heavy.
	The fraud of men was ever so,
	   Since summer first was leavy.
	Then sigh not so, but let them go,
	   And be you blithe and bonny,
	Converting all your sounds of woe
	   Into Hey, nonny nonny.

PRINCE  By my troth, a good song.

BALTHASAR  And an ill singer, my lord.

PRINCE  Ha, no, no, faith, thou sing'st well enough for a
shift.

BENEDICK, [aside]  An he had been a dog that should
have howled thus, they would have hanged him. And
I pray God his bad voice bode no mischief. I had as
lief have heard the night raven, come what plague
could have come after it.

PRINCE  Yea, marry, dost thou hear, Balthasar? I pray
thee get us some excellent music, for tomorrow
night we would have it at the Lady Hero's chamber
window.

BALTHASAR  The best I can, my lord.

PRINCE  Do so. Farewell.	[Balthasar exits.]
Come hither, Leonato. What was it you told me of
today, that your niece Beatrice was in love with
Signior Benedick?

CLAUDIO  O, ay. [Aside to Prince.] Stalk on, stalk on; the
fowl sits.--I did never think that lady would have
loved any man.

LEONATO  No, nor I neither, but most wonderful that
she should so dote on Signior Benedick, whom she
hath in all outward behaviors seemed ever to
abhor.

BENEDICK, [aside]  Is 't possible? Sits the wind in that
corner?

LEONATO  By my troth, my lord, I cannot tell what to
think of it, but that she loves him with an enraged
affection, it is past the infinite of thought.

PRINCE  Maybe she doth but counterfeit.

CLAUDIO  Faith, like enough.

LEONATO  O God! Counterfeit? There was never counterfeit
of passion came so near the life of passion as
she discovers it.

PRINCE  Why, what effects of passion shows she?

CLAUDIO, [aside to Leonato]  Bait the hook well; this fish
will bite.

LEONATO  What effects, my lord? She will sit you--you
heard my daughter tell you how.

CLAUDIO  She did indeed.

PRINCE  How, how I pray you? You amaze me. I would
have thought her spirit had been invincible against
all assaults of affection.

LEONATO  I would have sworn it had, my lord, especially
against Benedick.

BENEDICK, [aside]  I should think this a gull but that the
white-bearded fellow speaks it. Knavery cannot,
sure, hide himself in such reverence.

CLAUDIO, [aside to Prince]  He hath ta'en th' infection.
Hold it up.

PRINCE  Hath she made her affection known to
Benedick?

LEONATO  No, and swears she never will. That's her
torment.

CLAUDIO  'Tis true indeed, so your daughter says. "Shall
I," says she, "that have so oft encountered him with
scorn, write to him that I love him?"

LEONATO  This says she now when she is beginning to
write to him, for she'll be up twenty times a night,
and there will she sit in her smock till she have writ
a sheet of paper. My daughter tells us all.

CLAUDIO  Now you talk of a sheet of paper, I remember
a pretty jest your daughter told us of.

LEONATO  O, when she had writ it and was reading it
over, she found "Benedick" and "Beatrice" between
the sheet?

CLAUDIO  That.

LEONATO  O, she tore the letter into a thousand halfpence,
railed at herself that she should be so
immodest to write to one that she knew would flout
her. "I measure him," says she, "by my own spirit,
for I should flout him if he writ to me, yea, though I
love him, I should."

CLAUDIO  Then down upon her knees she falls, weeps,
sobs, beats her heart, tears her hair, prays, curses:
"O sweet Benedick, God give me patience!"

LEONATO  She doth indeed, my daughter says so, and
the ecstasy hath so much overborne her that my
daughter is sometimes afeared she will do a desperate
outrage to herself. It is very true.

PRINCE  It were good that Benedick knew of it by some
other, if she will not discover it.

CLAUDIO  To what end? He would make but a sport of it
and torment the poor lady worse.

PRINCE  An he should, it were an alms to hang him.
She's an excellent sweet lady, and, out of all suspicion,
she is virtuous.

CLAUDIO  And she is exceeding wise.

PRINCE  In everything but in loving Benedick.

LEONATO  O, my lord, wisdom and blood combating in
so tender a body, we have ten proofs to one that
blood hath the victory. I am sorry for her, as I have
just cause, being her uncle and her guardian.

PRINCE  I would she had bestowed this dotage on me. I
would have daffed all other respects and made her
half myself. I pray you tell Benedick of it, and hear
what he will say.

LEONATO  Were it good, think you?

CLAUDIO  Hero thinks surely she will die, for she says
she will die if he love her not, and she will die ere
she make her love known, and she will die if he woo
her rather than she will bate one breath of her
accustomed crossness.

PRINCE  She doth well. If she should make tender of
her love, 'tis very possible he'll scorn it, for the man,
as you know all, hath a contemptible spirit.

CLAUDIO  He is a very proper man.

PRINCE  He hath indeed a good outward happiness.

CLAUDIO  Before God, and in my mind, very wise.

PRINCE  He doth indeed show some sparks that are like
wit.

CLAUDIO  And I take him to be valiant.

PRINCE  As Hector, I assure you, and in the managing
of quarrels you may say he is wise, for either he
avoids them with great discretion or undertakes
them with a most Christianlike fear.

LEONATO  If he do fear God, he must necessarily keep
peace. If he break the peace, he ought to enter into
a quarrel with fear and trembling.

PRINCE  And so will he do, for the man doth fear God,
howsoever it seems not in him by some large jests
he will make. Well, I am sorry for your niece. Shall
we go seek Benedick and tell him of her love?

CLAUDIO  Never tell him, my lord, let her wear it out
with good counsel.

LEONATO  Nay, that's impossible; she may wear her
heart out first.

PRINCE  Well, we will hear further of it by your daughter.
Let it cool the while. I love Benedick well, and I
could wish he would modestly examine himself to
see how much he is unworthy so good a lady.

LEONATO  My lord, will you walk? Dinner is ready.
[Leonato, Prince, and Claudio begin to exit.]

CLAUDIO, [aside to Prince and Leonato]  If he do not
dote on her upon this, I will never trust my
expectation.

PRINCE, [aside to Leonato]  Let there be the same net
spread for her, and that must your daughter and her
gentlewomen carry. The sport will be when they
hold one an opinion of another's dotage, and no
such matter. That's the scene that I would see,
which will be merely a dumb show. Let us send her
to call him in to dinner.
[Prince, Leonato, and Claudio exit.]

BENEDICK, [coming forward]  This can be no trick. The
conference was sadly borne; they have the truth of
this from Hero; they seem to pity the lady. It seems
her affections have their full bent. Love me? Why, it
must be requited! I hear how I am censured. They
say I will bear myself proudly if I perceive the love
come from her. They say, too, that she will rather
die than give any sign of affection. I did never think
to marry. I must not seem proud. Happy are they
that hear their detractions and can put them to
mending. They say the lady is fair; 'tis a truth, I can
bear them witness. And virtuous; 'tis so, I cannot
reprove it. And wise, but for loving me; by my troth,
it is no addition to her wit, nor no great argument of
her folly, for I will be horribly in love with her! I
may chance have some odd quirks and remnants of
wit broken on me because I have railed so long
against marriage, but doth not the appetite alter? A
man loves the meat in his youth that he cannot
endure in his age. Shall quips and sentences and
these paper bullets of the brain awe a man from the
career of his humor? No! The world must be peopled.
When I said I would die a bachelor, I did not
think I should live till I were married. Here comes
Beatrice. By this day, she's a fair lady. I do spy some
marks of love in her.

[Enter Beatrice.]


BEATRICE  Against my will, I am sent to bid you come
in to dinner.

BENEDICK  Fair Beatrice, I thank you for your pains.

BEATRICE  I took no more pains for those thanks than
you take pains to thank me. If it had been painful, I
would not have come.

BENEDICK  You take pleasure then in the message?

BEATRICE  Yea, just so much as you may take upon a
knife's point and choke a daw withal. You have no
stomach, signior. Fare you well.	[She exits.]

BENEDICK  Ha! "Against my will I am sent to bid you
come in to dinner." There's a double meaning in
that. "I took no more pains for those thanks than
you took pains to thank me." That's as much as to
say "Any pains that I take for you is as easy as
thanks." If I do not take pity of her, I am a villain; if I
do not love her, I am a Jew. I will go get her picture.
[He exits.]